I didn't play netball. Or go to a girls' school.
- Or have showers. - Now that's just not true, is it?
- Let me start you off. - No.
If you're gonna be dull, I'm going to plunge back into Mrs Dalloway,
and you know how she loves that. Dirty, dirty bitch.
# Here's a new thing
# That's gonna please ya
# Just a little town down in Indonesia
# Bangkok...
Arrived Bangkok. Very hot.
Relieved at last to throw myself into serious journalistic work.
Thailand has long called travellers from around the globe
to take spiritual succour and karmic rest.
For centuries, Western visitors have been inevitably drawn
to some of Bangkok's oldest sanctuaries.
So true, Bridget. Even I, fight it as I may, am no exception.
The moment I arrive here, I almost feel an irresistible pull...
...to this. The Temple of Tranquillity.
Indeed, nothing symbolises Thailand's extraordinary fusion of East and West,
of tradition and innovation, better than this.
Fully body-to-body massage.
- Sawatdee kha? - Sawatdee khrab?
An incredible thing about Thailand is the amazing traditional cuisine.
I'm going to taste kapaluk, the ultimate delicacy.
Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!
Oh, my God. My God.
Um... Er... Mmm.
How about a lovely locust?
I can't. No, no, I can't.
They're delicious.
Oh!
Now that is Ko Panyi, which is the setting for a very famous Thai poem,
which I think you'd like very much, Jones.
It's all about a badly-behaved prince who finds true love with a beautiful,
and as it happens, very slightly overweight princess.
- You're teasing me. - I never tease about poetry.
"Oh, Suvarnamali Why can you not see that I adore you?"
"Why do you avoid and scorn me?"
"If you cast me off and leave me
How should I live another day?"
And you thought all I knew of Thailand was pussies and ping-pong balls.
- You wouldn't sleep with him? - No, of course not.
Absolutely not.
But he is clever.
- Yes? - And handsome.
He's also a dysfunctional, fucked-up, middle-aged, lost boy.
Well, no-one's perfect.
I didn't realise you were busy.
- He's young enough to be your grandson. - I know. Isn't that great?
Come on, guys, I've got a very special treat lined up for lunch.
I'm getting rather fond of Jed,
and I must say he has a genuine interest in Thai cuisine.
I wouldn't have thought omelette would be big in Thailand.
- Or mushrooms, for that matter. - It's magic.
It is a magic mushroom omelette, isn't it?
Well, that's awful. There is nothing funny in this at all.
Although, thank God,
the mushrooms don't actually seem to be working.
# Just what is it that you want to do?
Such lovely colours!
# We wanna get loaded And we wanna have a good time...
Beautiful Bridget! Beautiful Bridget! Beautiful Bridget!
Bridget Jones!
But, wait...
- Bridget Jones? - What sound is that?
It is Daniel Cleaver.
How unutterably beautiful he is.
Jones, what the hell are you doing?
You are lovely colours.
- # I don't wanna lose your love... - Here.
Here I am.
I think you're completely off your face.
Hey.
Bloody hell.
Oh... Oh, I'm an angel.
Oh. How lovely.
Glorious sand.
Oh.
I want to be naked.
- Naked as a baby. - Come on, then, angel. Up you get.
- All right? - Mmm.
- How are you feeling? - Completely embarrassed.
Don't be. You're charming on drugs. In future, just say yes.
Do you know, I never really understood why you wanted to go out with me.
- It seemed so unlikely. - Come on. For God's sake.
You're sexy. You make me laugh.
At you, of course, not with you.
And you were...
...incidentally...
...the best shag...
...I ever had.
The best?
Aside from Simon Reade in the fifth-form locker room, yeah.
Suppose I said you were pretty good too?
Pretty good?
Was I better than Mark Darcy?
By the way, is it true he always says "I'm sorry, I think I'm going to come"?
- Who told you that? - It's common knowledge, isn't it?
Come on, Jones. Who gave who the hoof?
And why?
Let's just say
that we suffered from a fatal incompatibility.
I have missed you, Jones.
I don't suppose there's any circumstances
in which you would ever consider
thinking about trusting me again?
Absolutely not.
Well, I suppose I'll be getting back to my little hut now.
Thank you very much, Daniel. I had a nice time.
Is that the Big Dipper or the little one?
I can never tell them apart.
Definitely the big one.
You can't see the little one this close to the equator.
Oh, please. You don't know about astronomy.
I most certainly do. I'm passionate about it.
You know, Jones, if stargazing is something that interests you,
then it has to be said that the view from my balcony is quite outstanding.
Perhaps you'd like to come up and have a little look?
I don't think so.
See over there? Along my arm.
That's it, over there.
That is Orion's Belt.
And next to that is a very sexy little constellation called Ursa's Maiden.
Ah.
She's being very naughty and trying to undo Orion's belt.
All right, what about... that one?
Yes, well that is a very, very famous star.
Um, right next to, of course, um...
I don't know, some other fucking star that's been there for years and years.
Seen one star, you've seen the lot, that's what I say, Jones.
Different with girls, though.
Some girls...
...are special.
Are they?
I think so.
What is this special power you hold over me, Jones?
And what about your therapy?
I think you might be it.
# I'm not in love
# So don't forget it
# It's just a silly phase
# I'm going through
# And just because
# I call you up
# Don't get me wrong
# Don't think you've got it made
# I'm not in love...
God, I hope you're wearing those giant panties.
Please.
Please be wearing the giant panties.
Please.
Oh, my old friends.
Oh, Daddy's home.
Did you miss me? Because Daddy missed you. Yes, he did.
Wait.
Sorry.
Can I just have a minute?
Just a minute.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
# Big boys don't cry Big boys don't cry
# Big boys don't cry Big boys don't cry...
- Everything all right? - Yeah, sure.
Just a bit... nervous.
I mean, you see, if I stay with you tonight,
well, it's definitely the end of something...
important with someone.
Um, which has probably ended already,
- but perhaps... - Bridge, Bridge Bridge, Bridge.
Doesn't everyone deserve a second chance?
Hmm?
Except Hitler.
Well, he was very, very, very naughty.
What?
Nothing. Er, come back later, please. Thank you very much.
Bridge, it's nothing. Leave it. Leave it.
You made order for 10.30.
Order for what?
Me.
10.30.
You know, I've had it up to here with this hotel.
- It's been cock-ups like this all week. - You Mr Cleaver?
Yesterday, you with Maria. She say you big tipper.
I mean, I'm up for it if you are.
Actually, no, that was stupid. It's just one little slip.
Don't let it ruin what was gonna be a fantastic weekend shagathon.
- I don't want a shagathon. - No, nor do I. Nor do I.
- You're right. - You're looking for a weekend of sex,
- I'm looking... - For more. I feel I can change.
- I absolutely can change. - I need to change.
I can't believe I fell for it again.
Daniel, I really do think
that you should go and fuck yourself.
Or her. But definitely not me.
- # Think - # Think
# Think about what you're trying to do to me
- # Think - # Think think
# Let your mind go...
I can't believe he made up the sex therapy thing.
Doesn't matter. I finally learnt my lesson,
and it's an excellent lesson to have nailed.
- Fuck! - What?
No fucking room in the fucking suitcase.
There's room in mine. Give me something.
Great.
- What the hell is this? - It is a fertility-snake bowl.
- Ooh. - Jed gave it to me.
- # Think think - # Let your mind go...
How romantic.
# Freedom...
The way I look at it, in everyone's life, there's a certain amount of shit.
- That's true. - In the last year,
things have turned out pretty shitty.
So logically, mathematically, even,
it's got to be time for something not shit.
- Like what? - Maybe Mark will have chucked Rebecca.
And he'll run to my door,
fall to his knees, possibly wearing a wet white shirt,
and beg me to come back.
- # Think - # Think
# Think about what you're tryin' to do to me...
Yes, I very confidently expect very, very good times ahead.
Final call for all passengers to London...
Isn't he cute? Hello.
Hello. Oh...
Seems to be getting a bit excited.
Oh.
Er...
- Bridget! - It's just a misunderstanding.
Hold the plane.
Excuse me! Excuse me!
All remaining passengers please report to Gate 27 immediately.
It's not mine.
- These yours? - Yes.
I mean, they're not my favourite pair.
You can't do this. I'm English.
And an award-winning journalist.
Well, maybe not award-winning, but I have been to lots of award ceremonies.
Hello. Bridget Jones.
Lovely to meet all of you.
Oh, my bloody God and fuck.
I hope they've told the British ambassador.
Surely Shazzer would have raised the alert.
Maybe they got Shazzer as well.
Oh, God, 28 hours.
How much longer?
Jones. Bridget Jones, you come now.
Oharlie Parker-Knowles, Assistant Oonsul.
Thank God you're here.
Um, shall we...
I really had absolutely nothing to do with it.
Jed planned the whole thing.
That's why he snogged Shazzer, who's much older than him
and slightly past her peak.
Yes, he sounds the most frightful shit.
Mmm.
The bore is everyone who gets caught has exactly the same story,
so unless we find this, this Jed fellow and get a full confession,
you're on a bit of a sticky wicket.
Well, how sticky?
Something like 15 to 20 years.
- 15 years? - Or maybe ten if we're lucky.
Ten years!
In here?
Very black.
All my life I've had the feeling something terrible was about to happen.
Now it has.
Bijjit, right?
Bridget, actually.
My name Phrao.
You're my friend?
- Steady on! - Superbra!
You lend me. One day, two cigarette.
Oh.
Well, I'll think about it.
Actually, I was thinking of giving up,
but that was before I was arrested and thrown into a Thai prison
for ten to 15 years.
Oircumstances change.
No, it really, really is "touched".
"Like a vir-gin, touched for the very first time".
- No, you wrong. - No.
# Like a wersion
- Vir-gin. - # Fucked for the very first time
- Touched. - # Like a wersion
Ten years of this? I
Stop! Enough. Enough.
If you're going to do it, you really ought to do it properly.
After all, Madonna is nothing if not a perfectionist.
Five, six, seven, eight and one...
# Like a virgin
# Touched for the very first time
# Like a virgin
# When your heart beats
# Next to mine...
Dear Mum and Dad,
I'm missing you a lot.
Please write as soon as you can.
I'm feeling pretty low.
Bijjit Jone.
In there. You have five minutes.
Just five.
Mark?
You all right?
Oh... Fine.
Hmm.
And... scared shitless.
But, you know, perky.
I can't believe you've come all this way.
I haven't. I was out here handling a Foreign Office case
when I heard about your situation.
I haven't done anything wrong.
I promise you, it's all a big mistake.
Yes, well, I'm sure it is.
I've got all the papers here and I'm sure we can sort it out.
I think about you all the time. And I'm so sorry,
I really, really am, for everything that happened between us.
Yes, well...
We don't have much time and I need you to identify someone for me.
Is this the man with whom you were seen taking hallucinogenic mushrooms
before you spent the night with Daniel Oleaver?
Yes, that's him, but I think you should know...
The same man who gave you the snake containing the drugs?
Yes, that's him, that's Jed.
But it was Shazzer's snake, not mine,
and as far as Daniel Oleaver goes...
Your sex life doesn't concern me at all.
Has there been any ill treatment here?
No, no. Well, I mean...
...the toilet facilities are well below par, but...
Good, that makes things simpler.
Listen, they're prepared to drop all charges against you
which is extremely lenient, given the circumstances.
You're going to be out within a week.
And...
Goodbye.
Mark?
Thank you.
You're welcome. I'm just the messenger. The order came from above.
Well, good luck. Glad I could be of help.
So, Bijjit, what happen?
Well, um...
Bijjit! How this can happen?
This is terrible! You are innocent!
- They're always cheating us. - No, no, no. That's all fine.
They've dropped the charges and they're letting me go.
But that good news.
What is wrong?
Mark Darcy definitely...
...doesn't love me anymore.
Ohhh.
You see the trouble is it was me who chucked him.
He treat you bad?
Yeah, actually, he did.
My boyfriend treat me bad too.
- Me too. - Mine as well.
Me too.
Then you know all about it. You think you've found the right man,
but then there's so much wrong with him
and he finds there's so much wrong with you and it all just falls apart.
Don't tell me. My boyfriend,
he seem really nice.
Then he start to hit me. Make me work on street.
My boyfriend, he say he love me.
But he do no work, and make me work 24 hour a day.
Then he make me take heroin drug.
What about you, Bijjit? What your bad boyfriend do?
Well, er...
...he really didn't stick up for me at this lawyers' supper...
and, um, then he would fold his...
Oh, same sort of thing, really.
Hitting me and making me take drugs. Stealing all my money and stuff.
Oh, God. I've been the world's biggest fool.
Bijjit?
Just a few tiny leaving presents. No luxuries.
# Living in a material world
# And I am a material girl
# You know that we are living in a material world
# And I am a material girl
# Living in a material world
# And I am a material girl #
If you want something smooth on your wall,
you could do worse than John Ourrin.
He is about the only contemporary painter who can paint.
There's usually something interesting and allegorical,
plus of course, there is a very high perv quotient.
- Did you see her? - Out. Out it.
Sorry, everyone, sorry. It's my stalker.
Fuck off, Darcy, some people have jobs to do.
Did you see her surrounded by police, dogs, handcuffs?
Oome on, she's a big girl, she can take care of herself.
I'm only going to ask you one more time. Did you see her?
You're only gonna ask me one more time?
- You haven't got your wig on now, dear. - I'll take that as a yes.
Yes, I did see her.
I thought she was smuggling seashells, or mangoes.
Right.
Right, good. Will you step outside, please?
Oh, no, it's not possible.
Darcy, do you have any idea what century we actually live in?
Are you gonna step outside or am I gonna have to drag you?
I think you're gonna have to drag me.
- You're insane! - And you're a disgrace, Oleaver.
You're pulling my hair!
I'm not going in the sodding water.
# Touching you 'Cause you're touching me
# I believe in a thing called love
# Just listen to the rhythm of my heart
# There's a chance we can make it now
# We'll be rockin' till the sun goes down
# I believe in a thing called love
# Oooh-ooh ooh...
- Fuck off! - No, you're going in, Oleaver!
If I'm going in, you're coming with me.
You smug bastard.
- Oh, my God. - Get up.
Well, what are you gonna do now?
Drown me in 16 inches of water?
Yes, good idea.
Fuck! Stop, stop.
Listen, listen, listen...
OK, I left her at the airport. I shouldn't have done that.
But she bumped into Jed herself
and I didn't fucking well seduce her, all right?
- You didn't? - There's something wrong with her.
She's gone all frigid.
I spent the night with a gorgeous Thai girl.
Who in fact turned out to be a gorgeous Thai boy.
Satisfied?
Yes.
Thank you.
You know what, mate?
If you're so obsessed with Bridget Jones, why don't you just marry her?
'Oause then she'd definitely shag me.
# I believe in a thing called love
# Just listen to the rhythm of my heart
# I believe in a thing called love #
- Bridget! - Bridget! Over here!
- What was it like? - How did you survive?
Any girl who's been single in London knows how to handle herself.
- Darling! - Will you be going back?
Sorry I didn't write. I've just been so busy.
Hello, darling. You look lovely.
- Skinny, but lovely. - Oh, thank you.
Oh, it's good to be home.
- Oiggy? - No, no, thanks.
- I've given up again. - Shame. I find them very useful.
I take great comfort in the fact they might kill me before things get worse.
The Darcys rang to say how pleased they were you were out.
I rather thought Mark might be here to meet you.
Yes, but you must remember we split up.
So no hope there?
No hope there.
Believe me, next time I will not fuck it up, Mum.
- Language, darling. - Sorry.
Next time, I will not fuck it up...
...Mother.
# Trying to be misunderstood
# But it doesn't do me any good
# Love the way they smiled at me
# Hold that face for eternity
# Now let them all fly off
# When it comes down
# It all comes down
# And you will not be found
# When it's over
# It's all over
# Even if I make a sound...
Surprise!
- Hello. - Hello.
- Oh, darling. - Hiya.
Bridget...
I'm so sorry.
It's all right.
Well, thank God for Mark Darcy. I mean, he might be a boring arse,
but he performed a miracle.
That's a bit of an overstatement.
He actually seems to be the villain of this piece.
He's a top human rights lawyer and he left it to someone else to get me out.
He was just a messenger.
- Who told you that? - He did.
Straight from the horse's mouth.
The horse wasn't quite telling you the truth.
I called Mark the minute I landed in London.
We went to his office and within half an hour,
he'd woken two Oabinet ministers and half of Ml5.
But none of them could locate Jed, so Mark flew over to Interpol.
Which is in Lyon. They located Jed in Dubai,
but they don't normally extradite people,
so Mark rang the Home Secretary who rang our ambassador...
In Riyadh. Then Mark flew to Dubai where he identified Jed,
who was impounded and pushed out into...
Saudi Arabia, where Mark was waiting with the police.
Jed was arrested and extradited back to Britain. Then Mark flew to Bangkok,
to make damn sure they'd let you go.
Oh.
He was just angry about Daniel Oleaver.
- He must still love me. - He fucking must.
Taxi?
Yes, please.
Get in the cab!
Hurry!
Oh. I forgot about you.
Er, I, I, I just wanted to, um...
say something to Mark.
He's at the office. Do you want to come in?
Oh, no. No, no, I don't think I will.
I really hope that you'll be happy together.
- Sorry? - You and Mark.
I really hope that you'll be very happy together.
No, no, no, Bridget, listen...
you've got it completely wrong.
I'm not in love with him.
How could I be when I'm...
seriously heartbroken and smitten with someone else?
Someone else?
- You, Bridget. - Me?
Ever since I saw you here with your hair messed that night
and bits of garden stuck to you. You must have noticed.
I try to hide it, but every time I see you, I light up.
I thought you were just, you know...
...lying.
Was every look I ever gave you a lie?
I've been looking forward to this.
Lovely to see you, Bridget.
Thank you very much.
That was lovely.
Really lovely.
But I'm afraid it's still men in general,
and Mark Darcy in particular, that I love.
Right.
If, er, if I ever do decide to, um...
you know, bat for the other side...
...well, there's no-one else.
Only you.
- Hello, Giles. - Hello, Bridget.
# Open up your eyes
# Then you'll realise
# Here I stand with my
# Everlasting love
# Need you by my side
# Girl, to be my bride
# You'll never be denied...
Inns of Oourt, please. Fast as you can.
What do you think of this jacket?
- Yeah, very nice indeed. - No, be honest.
What do you think of the whole jacket/trouser combination?
- Disaster. - Actually, can we take a tiny detour?
I'll be back in literally two seconds.
# Where life really flows
# No-one really knows
# Till someone's there to show
# The way to lasting love
# Need a love to last forever
# Need a love to last forever...
Oh.
# You're the first
# The last
# My everything
# And the answer to
# All my dreams
# You're my sun
# My moon
# My guiding star
# My kind of wonderful
# That's what you are...
- You look gorgeous. - Thank you.
Very important at this moment.
# There's no way
# They could have made two...
Doesn't matter. It's not about looks.
- # Your love I'll keep for evermore - As I was saying.
# You're the first...
Excuse me, I'm looking for Mr Darcy.
Down there, right along the corridor, and just to the left.
Thank you very much.
# Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh no no
# Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh no no...
I love you. I always have and I always will.
Oh, um...
I don't love you, and I never have, and...
...I never will. Sorry.
Oome in.
Hello, Bridget.
Hello, Mark.
Er...
I'm sorry, I'm disturbing you.
- Well, yes, a bit. - I'll just...
sit outside while you finish.
No, no, no, please, say what you have to say, young lady.
Mr Santiago is the Peruvian Secretary for Trade.
And Mr Hernández is his number two.
Hello.
Hello, hello, hello.
How can we help you, young lady?
Well, er...
Er...
I just wanted to tell Mr Darcy here
that I heard what magnificent work
he actually did releasing me from prison.
Tiny, tiny misunderstanding to do with an enormous stash of cocaine.
And I also wanted to say,
since having found out that his girlfriend is actually a lesbian...
...that I love him.
Always have. Always will.
And that I'm...
...you know...
...available for dates...
...if he should feel so inclined.
So, er, your girlfriend is a lesbian.
Look, if you'll all just excuse us for a second...
I think we should...
Bridget, that was not the most romantic proposition I've ever heard.
Well, maybe it is romantic
because it's not. I mean...
I know there's no music playing, and it's not snowing,
but that doesn't mean that it, that it can't really be something.
You're right.
In fact, there's a question I've been meaning to ask you.
All right. As long as it's not "Will you marry me?"
Oh, God. It is "Will you marry me?"
Well, I'm not gonna say it now.
- Is it "Will you marry me?" - The moment's gone.
No. No, no, no. No, wait.
Wait.
- Bridget. - Start again.
- No. - Start again.
I'm not gonna... It's...
We've just stepped out into the corridor,
you say "I've got a question to ask you"
and I don't say anything.
And... And...
You say...
Bridget Jones, will you marry me?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here this day
to unite this couple.
Do you affirm your love, one to the other?
I do. Again.
And Oolin?
I do. Again.
As well. Of course.
# I've been really tryin', baby...
December 31st, year-end summary.
Prison stays, one.
Lesbian kisses, one.
Pounds lost, minus one.
Boyfriends lost but then regained following major diplomatic incident,
one.
Marriage proposals, one.
An excellent year's progress.
Bridget Jones has cocked things up for the very last time.
# Your love is king
# Crown you in my heart
# Your love is king
# Never need to part
# Your kisses ring
# Round and round and round my head
# Touching the very part of me
# It's making my soul sing
# Tearing the very heart of me
# I'm crying out for more
# Your love is king
# Crown you in my heart
# Your love is king...
So, as you can see, I have found my happy ending at last.
And I truly believe that happiness is possible.
Even when you're 33 and have a bottom the size of two bowling balls.
# Your love is real #
# Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh no no
# I look and stare so deep in your eyes
# Touch on you more and more every time
# When you leave I'm begging you not to go
# Call your name two, three times in a row
# Such a funny thing for me to try to explain
# How I'm feeling and my pride is the one to blame
# 'Cause I know I don't understand
# Just how your love can do what no-one else can
# Got me lookin'so crazy right now
# Your love's got me lookin'so crazy right now
# Your love's Got me lookin'so crazy right now
# Your touch got me lookin'so crazy right now
# Your love's Got me hopin'you'll page me right now
# Your kiss got me hoping you'll save me right now
# Lookin'so crazy Your love's got me lookin'
# Got me lookin'so crazy in love
# Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh no no
# Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh no no...
# Hearts gone astray
# Deep in her when they go
# I went away
# Just when you needed me so
# You won't regret
# I'll come back begging you
# Hmm
# Won't you forget
# Welcome love we once knew
# Open up your eyes Then you'll realise
# Here I stand with my everlasting love
# I need you by my side Girl to be my pride
# You'll never be denied everlasting love
# Hearts gone astray
# Deep in her when they go
# I went away
# Just when you needed me so
# You won't regret
# I'll come back begging you
# Won't you forget
# Welcome love we once knew
# Open up your eyes Then you'll realise
# Here I stand with my everlasting love
# Need you by my side Girl to be my pride
# You'll never be denied everlasting love
# From the very start Open up your heart
# Feel that you fall in everlasting love
# Need a love to last forever
# Need a love to last forever #